You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
