If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
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