I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
