dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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