GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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