Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
