I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
She tied me up with her honor cords...
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
