i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
