the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
