Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Randomize
