I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
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