I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Randomize
