She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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