This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
