All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize
