Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
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