I wish I could punch you in the face.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
