She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
