What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
