We won't sleep together?
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Randomize
