i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
