I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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