Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
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