filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
she told me i tasted like america
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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