i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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