i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
