If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
