If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
