Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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