Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
He passed out mid-signature
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
