whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
