She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I won't apologize to a one balled man
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
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