so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
Randomize
