I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
The uberlube is also flammable
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Is Oprah even human
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Randomize
