yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
