cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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