Have you finally orgasmed yet?
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
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