I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Randomize
