I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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