Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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