dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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