just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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