just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
