Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
