There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
