There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
