Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Randomize
