Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
my mouth tastes like poor choices
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
