I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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