The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
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